Step 6 - Develop

Houseplants and Parenting

What do houseplants have to do with parenting?

Children are much like developing plants. They need sunlight, water, food, and tender loving care. 

I recently read an article by Elder Boyd K. Packer that made me think about a house plant I once struggled with.

Click here to access the article "Ready or Not, You Will Be Taught"

I received a beautiful peace lily when my father passed away. It had large healthy leaves and three white flowers. 

After a couple of weeks, the leaves began to turn brown. I thought that maybe it needed more water so I began to water it every day.  Soon the water was pooling at the top and the plant looked even worse. I decided to stop watering it and only watered it once every couple of weeks. Well, that left it looking droopy and wilted.

Finally, I found some information online that instructed me on how to find out if the plant was ready for watering. Once I was able to determine what the soil would feel like and what the leaves could tell me, I learned to water it when it would help the most. My peace lily soon returned to health in all its beauty!

Similar to the peace lily, parents need to look for the most valuable times to teach their children.

"If teaching is to be effective, it must capitalize on the readiness of the students to learn." ~Elder Boyd K. Packer 

 Looking back in my life, I didn’t learn something because someone told me it was true. I learned the most because I had a personal struggle with something. I then took that struggle to someone I trusted (sometimes my parents) and had a meaningful conversation with them. I was then able to move forward with the new knowledge they provided. As I implemented the insight into my life, I learned the depth of its truth. 

I was READY to learn and therefore gained the most from the lesson.

 I encourage you to think about your child and ask yourself how you can be aware of the most effective time to teach them.

Do you have an example of this to share? Comment below! ~Piano Gal Val

References: 

Packer, B. K. (1977, December). Ready or Not, You Will Be Taught. Liahona. Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/1977/12/ready-or-not-you-will-be-taught?lang=eng

Step 3 - Guide

What do you think about when you hear the word GUIDE in relation to PARENTING?

That you need to GUIDE your child?

Let's try a different mindset.

How about asking yourself what you should be doing to GUIDE YOUR PARENTING


In the book "Between Parent and Child" by Dr. Haim G. Ginott, Dr. Ginott explains:

"Parents set the tone of the home. Their response to every problem determines whether it will be escalated or de-escalated." 

(Ginott, Ginott, & Goddard, "Chapter 10: ", 2003, p. 192)

Feeling guilty? I did too when I read this.

I don't think the intent was to send us into shame but to rather help parents rethink their motivation behind every interaction with their children.


Dr. Ginott gives a strong statement to parents:

"When Discipling - Be Permissive of Feelings, but Strict with Behavior" 

(Ginott, Ginott, & Goddard, "Chapter 10: ", 2003, p. 196)

If you are like me, you are probably asking how that is possible?

Well, lucky for us, Dr. Ginott also gives us seven lessons to guide our parenting:

1. "The beginning of wisdom is listening."

I like this statement. When we talk to our children are we really taking the time to listen to what they have to say? Listening creates empathy. Listening helps with understanding.

2. "Do not deny your child's perception, do not dispute his feelings, do not disown his wishes, do not deride his taste, do not denigrate his opinions, do not derogate his character, do not argue with his or her experience."

So what DO YOU DO? You ACKNOWLEDGE. Acknowledging helps the child be heard. Acknowledging a child meets them where they are at. Think about how you would respond to a two-year-old if they called a horse a dog. You wouldn't yell at them, you'd calmly say something like, "It sure looks like a doggie. Doesn't it?"

Step 3 and 4  Go Together

3. "Instead of criticism, use guidance. State the problem and possible solution."
4. "When angry, describe what you see, what you feel, and what you expect, starting with the pronoun "I."

Dr. Ginott is not the only one who recommends using "I" statements. So I think it is a really important part of the discussions. For example; "I can see that you are upset because you want to eat right now. I am hungry too, but dinner will be ready in just a few minutes. I expect you to wait until we all sit down to eat. Could you help me put the food on the table?"

This takes practice for both the parent and the child, but I know if you are consistent, you'll find more harmony in your family. 

5. "In praising, describe the specific acts. Do not evaluate character traits."

I will cover this one in more depth in another blog post. However, a good thing to remember is to make a specific observation and why you liked that they did that. For example, "Johnnie,  I appreciate the way you put your dishes in the dishwasher. This saved me a lot of time."

6. "Learn to say 'no' in a less hurtful way by granting in fantasy what you can't grant in reality." 

My six year old has been begging me every day for a new puppy. In reality, it isn't going to work for our family to get a new puppy, but I don't have to tell him that. In fantasy, I say, "Oh buddy! I wish we could get a puppy now too. They are so soft and adorable. Can you go get your stuffed animal puppy and we will pretend it's our new puppy?"

And the last lesson:

7. "Give children a choice and a voice in matters that affect their lives."

Right now our family is finding the balance of work and school at home because of the Covid-19 pandemic. Our daily routines have been tossed to the side. It has been very important for them to be able to have some choices during a time when many of their choices have been taken away. So instead of saying homeschool starts at 9am, I say, "Would you like to start your schoolwork at 9am or 10am.?" It's a good idea to choose two choices that you are comfortable with. 

These are great ideas that Dr. Ginott has given us but remember you will not execute them perfectly. 

My advice is to take one and focus on it for a while. As you become more proficient you can add another. I also know that as you work towards elevating your parenting skills, Heavenly Father will help you. 

As always, I am here for you. Comment below with questions! ~Piano Gal Val

References: 

Ginott, H., & Goddard, H. W. (2003). Chapter 10: . In A. Ginott (Ed.), Between Parent and Child: Revised and Updated (pp. 192–203). New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Step 2 - Understand

Sage the dog

Meet Sage the dog. 

She has been a member of our family for almost three years. We love her! She has been the perfect dog for my kids. She is calm, playful, obedient, patient, and loving.

What does Sage the dog have to do with parenting?

When we decided to get a dog for our family, I did a lot of research. I read and studied EVERY source I could get my eyes on about dogs and their temperaments. Because I believed this:

If I can UNDERSTAND what should be expected from my dog's temperament,     I can UNDERSTAND how she will act.

Likewise, if I can understand my child's temperament, I can understand WHY she is behaving in a particular way.

I love this quote from Laurence Steinberg's book, "The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting."

"The trick is to create situations that take advantage of your child's innate strengths and avoid those that accentuate his weaknesses. This requires knowing what makes your child tick, being flexible in your parenting, and treating you child as an individual." ~Laurence Steinberg

What can you do today to help you understand your child more?

Here are a few links to get you started:

• Understanding Your Child's Temperament from pbs.org 
• How to Understand Your Child's Temperament from healthychildren.org
• Your Child's Temperament: 9 Basic Traits to Consider from greatschools.org
• Ages and Stages Child Development from American society for the Positive Care of Children americanspcc.org

Let me know how understanding your child has helped you be a better parent! ~Piano Gal Val

References:

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

Step 1 - Care for Self

It's tough to take care of someone else if you have unmet needs.

Think about it...

When you are tired, it is hard to think of the right actions.

When you are hungry, you are more irritable.

When you don't feel loved, it is hard to give love.

When you are suffering emotionally, it is hard to be patient.

It's hard to pour from an empty cup!

So, let's start with an inventory to see how you can better fill your cup so that you are in the right place spiritually, emotionally, and physically to parent.

Here is a link to a self-care inventory.

 (Click on the picture to access the document.)

As always, I am here for you! Comment below with questions! ~Piano Gal Val

Introducing the NEPEM Parenting Model

I am so excited to introduce you to the National Extension Parenting Education Model (NEPEM)

Where did the model come from?

"The National Extension Parent Education Model was published in 1994 through the efforts of Ron Daly, the National Program Leader for Human Development in the Washington DC office of the Cooperative Extension Service. The authors of the report were Dot Cudaback (California), H. Wallace Goddard (Alabama), Judy Myers-Walls (Indiana), and Charles A. Smith (Kansas). Although these state specialists were responsible for writing the report, the ideas evolved through a process of revision involving all state specialists in human development and county extension agents with an interest in parenting." 

 If you would like to access the report you can find it HERE

Why is the NEPEM Model an excellent choice to follow?

The authors of this model wanted something for American families that would work with all cultures. I believe that it is something that each parent can find useful! 

What are the Categories?

1. Care for Self
2. Understand
3. Guide
4. Nurture
5. Motivate

Follow my blog as I explore and learn parenting techniques in each category.

References:

Smith, C. A., Cudaback, D., Goddard, H. W., & Myers-Walls, J. (1994). National Extension Parent Education Model. Manhattan, Kansas: Kansas Cooperative Extension Service.